This entry is to let people know what the average day is like for me...or for an anorexic...this is to let people know about it.
12:00AM
I am laying in bed right now...from a sleepless night. I have been trying to sleep ever since when? 10:00PM is bed time. So yeah, because I can't sleep, I sit up, turn on my fan to full blast, and let it's breaze calm down my speeding heart rate. There is something about being anorexic that makes my heart pound out of control...it makes me seem like I have a fever of some sort, but then again, I get really really poor circulation to my hands and my now pale blue feet. After sitting in front of the fan for a few minutes, I go to the bathroom, but disgusted by what I see in the mirror, I turn away and go back to my room.
1:00AM
Now one in the morning, and I still couldn't sleep, so I go turn on my light and sit on my bed thinking for a little while. Then I look around my disaster of a room to find something to do. Usually it will be something crafty...or artistic, whatever. I like to write a lot, so this is usually the time I write my poetry and stories. Other times I will paint, or sew, or read a magazine or write in my real diary...but I can hardly ever be asleep at this time, so yeah.
2:00AM
Ugh, two in the morning, and I am exhausted. But still, I cannot sleep. I get really angry and I run into the bathroom. I stare at that stranger in the mirror, then I kneel down just as a sharp pain makes me sick, I do an early morning purge. It's really not a pretty sight, I will tell you that for sure. After that, I stay in the bathroom for say about 20 or so minutes...ugh.
3:00AM
Now it's three and I am still really tired. I am soooo pissed I can't sleep, so what do I do? Well, what did I do? I did make a promise I would never do this again, but I would go into my room, search for the nearest sharp object, first time was a needle, and the second was a pair of scissors, and I sat on my bed, not understanding what I was doing exactly, and I would rock back and forth slowly carving a gash into my arm. No, so you all know, it didn't hurt as much as you think. For the first few seconds, maybe yes, it did hurt. But towards the end of the cut, I could barely feel a thing, as though my entire body was numb to pain. Is that possible if you aren't paralyzed? Hmm...I wonder.
4:00AM
I try to go back to sleep. Does it work? Heh, yeah right! No, it doesn't and now I am really pissed. I just wish that this whole "fake insomnia" think would end. I don't like it and I hate not sleeping, but sometimes, especially after a certain incident happened with my boyfriend and some punkass guys, I couldn't sleep at all for like forever! Oh wellz, just another day in the life of me right?
5:00AM
Finally! I got to sleep and got to stay that way for how long? I was asleep until...
7:00AM
Ack! Why couldn't I sleep damnit! Two hours is not enough on a daily basis. Dang! Is is really so much to ask? I am against medicine so I don't take sleeping pills, so that is not an option. Crap. Oh well again I guess. So I get out of bed and walk to the bathroom, refusing this time to look in the mirror. I comb out my hair, and go back to my room and pick up a note book to write. That's the time where I always write my stories and poetry.
(summer only)
7:30AM
This summer I got Driver's Ed...and I have to go there, sit next to AJ and Kayla, and have to feel the stares of dumbass Ryan and his friends that are on the basketball team, and I hear Ryan in my head repeating over and over what he told his friends the other day, "Look at him flirting with that fat chick." That hurt me soooo much you don't even know. So then I had to stay there and try my hardest to pay attention in class.
9:00AM
Driver's Ed is finally over, thank god. Now I get to walk home, all the way home. Then if I got a drive, I have to walk back again, then back home after that. Now is that really very fair? No, but oh wells. Walking that far on a totally empty stomach isn't fun. I mean, there is nothing to be worked off. Oh, not fun stuff. On the way home, I stop by the horse field and feed the horses and pet them. They are so cute.
(regular days)
8:00AM
I try again to sleep, and lay there until...
11:AM
Okay, so obviously I didn't sleep. Instead I pop in a good chick flick, Steal Magnolias is the best one of all. That takes up two hours.
1:00PM
Well, it's one and now I go to the kitchen and look around. First in the pantry. I convince myself that there is nothing in there to eat. I mean, usually there actually isn't, but I still convince myself. Then to the fridge where again I pretend there isn't anything there. Lastly, the freazer where I finally cave for a popcicle and some ice cubes. Yummy! Ice cuts down on the cravings for me. So I learn to live like that. Maybe it's not the smartest decision, but it's what I did. Anyways...
2:00PM
Late afternoon...I take a stroll outside down to the lake by my house, and I will usually walk around it, then take another walk up the hill where I like to go to my special rock. It is really peacefull there, and beautiful as well. I love it so much, and when it's close to sunset, I will bring my notepad and pencil, and I will try to do some writing, because I love it so much.
4:00PM
I am back at home, and I pick up a book. My favorite book is Roommates by Katherine Stone, and I think you all should read it. Really, I encourage you to go to the library, and spend a full afternoon reading it. In some ways, Carrie is like me. She struggles with anorexia as well. You should like it.
5:00PM
Well, mommy is usually still at work, so I will go outside again and walk around the trailer park. A few times exploring the fallen tree in the field by the main entrance is cool, then crossing the stream or creek or whatever it is and almost falling is fun too.
6:00PM
Mom is home and she wants to make dinner. Or go get it, whatever. But if I eat it I will take a detour to the bathroom to purge when I am finished, that is, if I eat it at all.
7:00PM
Internet. I love the internet. A place where I release my true soul and let me be free. A place I almost couldn't live without. I love talking to my friends over the summer without having to call them up because I am most definately not a phone kind of person.
8:00PM
By now I will either still be on the net or my parents will have kicked me off, so I will be in my room writing again. Don't you love the monotony of summer days?
9:00PM
Still in my room...still writing, or messing up my room, or listening to music, or something else that will waste my time.
10:00PM
Well, technically it is bed time, so I should be getting ready now, but what is the point right? As you know, I am not going to sleep. But I get in my sporty PJ's and lay down in bed, but I can't resist the urge to get all freaky and wild and hyper. A few times I have jumped out my window and went for a little night fun run in the *no sun* hehe I know that was really really corny. Oh well. Hehe
11:00PM
Well, I am either home from my run or in my room ready to try and sleep again.
